Project Alter
 ![[info]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) Andrew Kyle Adler
Tuesday, 19 Sep 2006, 3:30:02 pm EDT
As I was coming home last night I saw a figure lurking around my door with his shoulders hunched. I ran to see what he was doing, and he darted off. I could only catch a look at his shirt. It was a funny-looking shirt with big red flowers. I don't know why a gay bum would hang around my house. Weirdos.
Sarah, when you're done with Duane do you think we could have a game or something?
Mood: working
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Wednesday, 13 Sep 2006, 3:33:30 pm EDT
It sucks not to have friends. The wanker Lowell has got Sarah to nurse him, but who cares about Andrew? I've spent the past week staring inside the toilet and fighting not to puke again. The stupid AC went crazy, it was like the winter wind through the house, so one day last week I got up and everything was hurting. And it all went downhill from there. In the end I got the sense to plug that stupid AC hole with some old socks, and now if you ignore the smell you're okay.
So no apologies for being offline. I'm sure you had a better life during this time than I did.
Remember the knocking? Yesterday someone knocked on my door again, three times and hard, but I couldn't be bothered to go and open the door, and today I opened it and didn't find anything. I was expecting some crumpled paper with mustard this time.
Mood: still sick
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 longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Monday, 11 Sep 2006, 2:51:00 am EDT
o.o
o.o it sure has been quiet in here lately.
Mom's been going psycho again... what else is new.
What's new is dad is showing some signs of strain that he didn't show before.
His business isn't doing well. He's talking on the phone all day and some days he looks like he's on the verge of a breakdown. He doesn't even stay out anymore, I dunno why.
I'm worried for him.
My dad is the pillar of strength in this house.
If he collapses, I dunno what'll happen.
=/ He should just take a break from work. But then where could he go? He can't go on a trip with his buddies because they can't just go on vacation now - year end is the busy period for many companies. He can't stay home because Mom will kill him faster than work will.
I wish I could take him on a trip, but term assignments and exams are holding me back. =/
Poor old Dad... he doesn't deserve this life.
Mood: sad
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Sunday, 3 Sep 2006, 1:08:55 am EDT
HEYYYY
Sorry for the long silence, but there are a couple deadlines round the corner and I'm trying to help Duane catch up on his work. He's reading over my shoulder now, he says to say hi to you all. We'll be back in a few days. Don't miss us too much! ^^
Duane: Sorry, I'm just lazy to log in to my own journal. I'm perfectly fine now, don't worry about me. Just laying low and doing the student thing.
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Friday, 1 Sep 2006, 11:20:09 pm EDT
My boss should be shot. I think I've worked more in the past few days than I have in my entire life, and I lost five pounds. That only makes me more alluring to ladies. And Sarah's busy mothering Duane, so I haven't seen her in a while. So this is a post to tell you that nothing's happening. I think the crazy bitch will slavedrive me a couple of days more and then I get Labor Day free. (Yippee.)
To make this post worth reading, here is the art that Maarikaaa drew.
I look pretty good.
I don't know where she got this idea..
And here's Mary Sue's latest drawing.
To the anonymous who bought me the paid account.. Are you crazy?
I'm gonna crash now.
Mood: exhausted
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Saturday, 26 Aug 2006, 10:07:59 pm EDT
[visible to all friends except duanelowell and akadler] =x
Duane and I are talking again, but he's still kinda distant.
He's jealous that I've been talking to Andy without him. XDD He doesn't have to say it, I can see it in his face and his every expression. The boy wears his heart on his sleeve. ^^ Silly creature. If only he knew. But it's sweet of him to be jealous. Jealousy doesn't become him. XDD he's all awkward and stuff, and I just sit there and let him flounder and make indirect references to stepping aside to allow me to be with Andy. *rolls eyes* he's all melodrama sometimes. If I let him, he'll just sit there and stew quietly in his own self-imposed suffering.
Actually... y'know, I thought he was cute when I first saw him, and that pitiful expression on his face, like a lost puppy, well that made me want to stick by him when the whole world was against him. And that time when he turned psychotic and nearly killed me, well I thought, that's it, he really is mad and I'm staying far away from him.
But then he stopped, and that lost look came over him again and... *sigh* well, I kinda lost the battle right there and then. Insane or not, I promised myself that he would never be alone again. He'd lost so much, and what he gained, he feels so guilty for.
But now he has ME. XD and I won't let him wallow in his self-pity. Well, sometimes I will, for fun. It's funny to see him torture himself for no reason. XD
Duane Lowell, you blockhead, I love you.
But it wasn't funny to see him beaten up by some random thugs on the street. =/ Duane's told me what the men looked like. He said he did some sketches for the police, but they took them. I'll go down tomorrow and see if I can get a peek at them. If not I could get him to draw them again... but he's sick again, poor donkey. He never really recovered from the fever although he said he did. I knew he wasn't telling the truth in his post. You should have seen him. He wasn't even fully awake when I discovered him in his room. But now he's definitely on the road to full recovery, and me and Pauline and Ben all accompany him wherever he goes. We'll force him back to health. XDDD
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Friday, 25 Aug 2006, 11:57:26 am EDT
I was writing a post about Duane a memory at the orphanage last night when my boss called me to tell me that since I missed work (for going boozing) I'll have to work the 8 hours between today and tomorrow. So that post and my other worries will have to wait.
By the way, I'm feeling loved. Mary Sue sent me another drawing (I think she was really taken with me) and ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) maarikaaa also drew me, and she drew me and Sarah playing PS2. That was fun. You'll see when I can post. maarikaaa is super talented.
Laters. Maybe I can sneak into the computer at the office, but most likely not. You'll have to live without me for a couple of days. Ha.
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 Duane's Journal
Thursday, 24 Aug 2006, 3:08:27 am EDT
[private] musings
I just thought of something. I wasn't sure about it because I thought I was imagining it, but I didn't mention it to the police.
Just before I blacked out, one of the men shouted something at me about minding my own business. I've been thinking about it and a horrible thought just occurred to me: I've been looking into Sister Mabel's life and death. I've wondered if she's been shielding one of us. I know that the money used to treat her diabetes regularly went missing. The obvious conclusion to draw from all these is that one of us stole her money and she covered for that person anyway. And now that same person is trying to warn me away from investigating further and finding out who that person is, by getting me beaten up.
Granted, all this is kind of weak. I could be just thinking too much... but when you're lying in bed staring at the ceiling, there's not much else you can do.
And if I'm right, and someone's trying to keep me from finding out the truth about Sister Mabel's death...
I can immediately think of someone who's very comfortable with using brutal methods to solve his problems, but I don't think I should jump to conclusions. He loved Sister Mabel in his own way, as much as I did - I don't think he would steal her money. After all, I haven't been very discreet about my inquiries at the orphanage - anyone who came to visit might have found out that I've been trying to piece together Sister Mabel's life story. So I can't assume it's Andy.
And anyway all this really is nothing more than mere speculation... It could be just a case of mistaken identity like the cops said, and I'm just letting my overactive imagination run away with me. I guess the medication doesn't help, either.
Shit, my thumb hurts.
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Duane's Journal
Wednesday, 23 Aug 2006, 10:28:08 pm EDT
tired
Hey guys, I'm back. I just woke up from a long nap... feeling much better now. Sarah did wonders, I have to admit. Thanks to those who emailed me asking how I am. I'm ok now, but I'm not staying long, because I have this pile of work that Sarah left on my desk and the bed is beckoning temptingly to me...
She made a long post about her visit, so if you don't know what happened you can visit sarahownzduane and read about it. She just neglected to mention that I didn't get up immediately because I was unconscious. It's kind of hard to get up and walk when you've hit your head on a hard boot and you're out like a light. I was only awakened by the rain.
She also didn't say that I did make a police report while at the hospital. Two cops came down and talked to me. They took some notes and then they left. I gave a good description of the two guys, but somehow, from the cops' expressions, I don't think they're gonna bust a gut trying to catch my assailants. Seems like incidents like these happen all the time, and they think it was probably a case of mistaken identity. Maybe I have a common sort of face, huh?
But I feel really low right now... I haven't been beaten up like that since childhood and it brought back some really painful memories. I hate that feeling of helplessness just before the next blow lands... I don't intend to be the victim all my life, but on the other hand the memory of my father looms large in my mind and I never want to be like that either. So... talk about being caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.
Speaking of which, I'm completely messing up my study life, being in and out of hospital and whatnot. I'll probably have to repeat a semester. Kiltrex, the people who are sponsoring my study grant, are being very kind and offering to cover the extra semester too, because of my good grades so far. But there are some strings attached, and I'm wondering whether to take them up on it. Actually, I don't have any real choice... I haven't come this far to drop it all.
This is turning out to be a longer post than I planned, and I can't stand looking at the screen anymore, so I'll go back to bed. Work can wait. Later!
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Wednesday, 23 Aug 2006, 6:50:07 pm EDT
>_<
So I went over to Duane's room after school today. I was just gonna give him his notes, see if he was ready to apologize, if not too damn bad.
I got to his room, knocked on his door... no one answered.
I called his room phone and even his cellphone, which I know he seldom uses because he hates being readily contactable.
and miracle of miracles, he answered the cellphone! But he sounded really sick.
So I asked him to let me in, and a minute later his room door opened, but I was so shocked by the sight of him...
He had bruises on his eyes and cheeks, his hair was uncombed, his right hand was in a cast, and he was trembling all over. I dragged him back to the bed and bundled him in. He didn't even protest. I looked at the floor beside the bed and it was littered with tissues and medicine bottles and an almost-empty bottle of water.
MEN! They can NEVER take care of themselves! =/
So while I cleaned up his room for him, I made him tell me what happened. It took a long time, because he was just lying there with his eyes closed and mumbling to himself and every now and then he had to stop for some water, but in the end I interrogated him until I was satisfied that he really didn't know anymore.
He was walking outside campus the evening before last to go get some groceries, when two men stopped him and asked for directions. They didn't seem to get what he was saying, so he offered to take them to wherever they were going. They were just walking, and chatting, along that empty lot just off Baley Street, when without any warning at all the two men attacked him and beat him to a pulp! He did try to defend himself, he fractured his thumb trying to punch one of the men. But what can you do, when you're taken by surprise, and anyway it was one man against two. When Duane had quit trying to fight back they gave him a couple more kicks for good measure and then ran off.
And would you believe it, the idiot didn't even get up! =/ He lay there for a while until it started to rain. It rained quite heavily on Monday evening. THEN he dragged himself to his feet and crawled back to Baley, where he managed to flag down a passing car to take him to the hospital. He told the woman driver that he was robbed, although the men didn't take his wallet. And she felt so sorry for him that she even paid his bills at the hospital when she found that he had no money. Her name's Donna Warner - I'm gonna find her address and give her lots of stuff for being so nice ^^
So they patched him up, kept him overnight and then sent him home yesterday. He's got a temperature from being out in the rain for so long in his weakened state, and that damn fractured hand, but otherwise he's okay. Humiliated and embarassed for being such a wreck of a human being, but okay. He was asleep when I left him.
The question is, who the hell were those two guys and why did they do that to him?
=/ That's what I wanna know.
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Wednesday, 23 Aug 2006, 5:47:39 pm EDT
So, last night.
Went into the first bar I saw, drank myself stupid and picked up a girl. I don't even remember her name.. Mary something. A silly two-word name. Not important.
She took me to her place and took pictures of me. Yeah, and I was so drunk I didn't mind. Actually, it was fun. I was happy not to think about real problems anymore. She kept telling me I was hot, and took a lot of pics until I passed out on her bed from the effort of sitting still. In the morning she kicked me out of the house, telling me her husband was coming home from the late-night shift and she'd send the pictures by email.
After the hangover went away I checked my mail and she had sent them over. I also got a drawing. I think she was so inspired by me that she drew me while I was sleeping. (She was a weird one. Looked kinda like krss, at least from the pictures I've seen on her site.)
So now I have a whole bunch of pictures of me, and I've made some new icons out of them and you get to see a couple of the worksafe ones.
The first photo she took of me when we met.
Yeah, I know. I need to buy new clothes.
And the drawing. She isn't half bad, but why she made my eyes so blue I will never know.
What bugs me is how happy I look in them.
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Wednesday, 23 Aug 2006, 2:05:23 am EDT
You know what?
I'm tired of waiting around for shit to happen, like a wuss.
I'm gonna go out and get wasted.
Like a man.
Mood: determined
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Tuesday, 22 Aug 2006, 11:50:39 pm EDT
[private]
I can't believe I ended up talking to Sarah about how much I ____ Duane. I don't even know what to put in that blank.
This is messed up.
It really is.
And I made the blank four letters long for some reason.
She won't tell him. I won't tell him. He won't even care about the fuss it caused because he'll be..
.. bruised?
in a coma?
I hope Kit and Dan didn't exaggerate. I told them to go easy on him. He's had a lifetime of exercise on being victim, but I told them..
Heck no. I can't justify this to myself. No way.
Childish and macho. She's right, though I won't tell her. All hell's gonna break loose when she finds out what I did. Duane won't be too happy about it either. I wonder what he'll hate me more for, causing him pain or.. what I did at the orphanage.
It might be time for me to move out of this shitty town and get a real life for myself. I'm not getting anywhere here. All I do is mess up myself and others.
Just when did I get so complicated?? I'm turning into Duane, for chrissakes.
Sister Marie would have me flog myself for the blasphemy.
Mood: down
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Tuesday, 22 Aug 2006, 6:29:16 pm EDT
[private] GAH.
*grabs head and moans*
OMG WHAT A MESS.
=/ Andy's so messed up. But he's so...
I knew from the way he talks about Duane all the time...
But I didn't know he was THAT obsessed with him!
... it's a weird thought.
But it makes sense... if I think about it... because I know he comes from a background that's homophobic... so if he thought he was in love with someone of the same sex... he would react violently... and he can't hurt himself so he'll hurt someone else instead. Like Duane.
=/ that's just freakin messed up.
I'm not gonna tell Duane of course - let him do it if he wants. But that reminds me that Duane hasn't been in school. Again. I wonder what's up with him.
*sigh* Guess tomorrow I'll pop over to his hostel and say hi. This fight's been going on long enough...
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Tuesday, 22 Aug 2006, 2:35:04 am EDT
[private]
I WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF.
How could I let that out.. STUPID!!
I hope she doesn't tell Duane. THAT would be great.
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!
What if others saw it too before I could make it private??
Gah. *crawls back into bed*
Mood: angry
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Tuesday, 22 Aug 2006, 2:18:42 am EDT
[private]
fuck what ws tht dream. duane again. was in bed wth me and we were kising nnd soemthing els.. makign love. i cant remmeber more. mstill confused. hav to lock ntry. oh sht head hurrts.
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Duane's Journal
Sunday, 20 Aug 2006, 1:38:45 am EDT
[private]
I don't understand why Sarah tells him stuff she hasn't told me in the one year I've known her...
And Sister Mabel occupies my every waking moment.
Presentation tomorrow. I'm not prepared. I'm gonna die in front of the audience.
Yeah, I wish...
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Saturday, 19 Aug 2006, 3:10:56 am EDT
Everyone must go and watch Snakes on a Plane. I really loved when that dog and the fat lady got it. Samuel L. Jackson is kickass. Those snakes were kind of perverted though. And why did they put a gay guy in there? Plus I wanted the baby to get eaten. Snakes out of barf bags? That was way cool. Too bad they cut off the hot sex scene like that. But I don't get it; how could snakes on a plane be the bad guy's last possible option???
Mood: amused
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Friday, 18 Aug 2006, 11:43:49 pm EDT
[private]
No, you don't. You REALLY don't.
There's no use commenting to him about it, that'd just make him more determined to find out the truth. Sarah's already tried to tell him he's chasing after green horses on the walls. He won't listen.
What to do.
...
Kit and Dan owe me a favor. I should go talk to them. Maybe a couple of punches will put Duane off the scent. Just a few bruises, nothing damaging. Especially not to his face. He'll chicken out, or Sarah will make him stop it to protect him.
That'd work.
I wish I didn't have this recurrent dream of him and me toge him. This is batshit insane at this point. At any point. I'm planning to have the guy beaten up, for fuck's sake. I kind of wish I was the one doing the beating.
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Duane's Journal
Thursday, 17 Aug 2006, 2:00:23 am EDT
The story of Madeline Quinn
I've been returning to St Nicholas's often enough that the sisters have begun to trust me again, and they allowed me to look through Sister Mabel's things. I found several things, among them a diary and a bundle of letters, and from all these and from talking to the orphanage staff, I've managed to piece together the story I'm about to tell...
Sister Mabel was born Madeline Quinn in County Clare, Ireland. Her family was considered quite well-off, all things considering, and as the eldest of three daughters, with no sons, the family had great hopes for her. But she fell in love with a young man, whose name I couldn't discover, and when he asked her to go with him to seek his fortune in America, she agreed.
Once here, they tried to have a life together for a while, but for reasons that I couldn't find out they separated after about a year. Madeline wanted to return home but found that her family no longer wanted her back. She decided to settle down in America by herself. It was a hard life for a young woman by herself. She was a maid, a cleaner, a domestic servant... And finally she gained independence and citizenship.
When she was 42 she made her decision to devote her life to God. She had been a devout Catholic from childhood and she believed that God had seen her through her hard times. She felt that she needed to repay that debt. So she took the name of Sister Mabel.
At the age of 47 she came to St Nicholas's Children's Home, and she worked and lived there until her death at the age of 79, from liver cancer compounded by diabetes, which she had developed in her later years.
That was all I managed to find out so far. I never knew she had diabetes... The orphanage paid part of her medical bills, and she had to pay the rest herself. Her family in Ireland refused to help... it was mostly the staff at St Nicholas's that provided the money. This last bit was told to me by Sister Joan, who's been here almost as long as Sister Mabel. She also mentioned that funds to take care of Sister Mabel's medical bills were always hard to come by and that they were almost always in debt after Sister Mabel developed cancer.
I still want to fill in the blanks. I don't know if I can ever do that, but I want to try...
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Wednesday, 16 Aug 2006, 3:47:02 pm EDT
Another sucky dream, this time it was about George, the village idiot. Kinda screwed that boy over before Unca whipped me soundly and shipped me because of the drama his parents were causing. In the dream he was clinging to me and begging me not to go away.
Like I had a choice.
Anyway.
I'm having fun with Sarah. I didn't know playstation could be so cool. Always thought that only lamers play videogames. Now I'm playing them too, so it seems I can be wrong about things.
Got to talk to her a bit. She's having a nasty life and she's sticking to it. Well, yeah, her parents don't beat her at least, but you know the sticks and stones thing? I think they got it the wrong way around.
Today at work I met a woman who flirted with me until she realized I wasn't the manager as I had told her. And then she didn't even buy anything. Dumb broad.
I have this strange feeling I'm being watched. Maybe since reading Lowell's posts so much, the crazy is rubbing off on me.
Mood: odd
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Wednesday, 16 Aug 2006, 9:17:52 am EDT
after dinner thoughts
Today...
Andy came over again and we played Silent Hill 2. Duane never liked SH2 very much, but me and Andy took turns playing and it was FUN.
We talked in between fighting Pyramid Head, and I got to know him a lot better.
He was abused by his uncle when he was young, some big redneck guy he called Unca Thomas who smoked like the apocalypse was coming and drove a huge truck and gave drugs to children instead of candy and who thought thrashing a small boy was a good way to bring up a kid.
Yeah, Andy was unwanted too... and because of Unca, he spent all of his childhood being mean and tough and beating up other people, because that was all he knew how to do. He only learned to interact with people properly when he reached adulthood. He's a slow developer! XDD
But of course he's not all nice and easygoing now. =x
I almost threw him out of the house today long before my mom came back, because he called me a coward daddy's-li'l-girl for not running away from my mom. =/ But I saw him looking at me like he was waiting for my reaction as he said it. So I didn't give him the satisfaction. I don't believe I'm a coward for not wanting to leave my dad, and he's not gonna change that just because he's feeling insecure. I have a home and family and it bugs him to hell that he doesn't have any! XDD
ANYWAY!
I SAW A POSTER FOR THE MELANCHOLY OF HARUHI SUZUMIYA AT THE LOCAL VIDEO SHOP TODAY.
I WANNA STEAL IIIITT ~
And I saw a book that I know Duane would like.
But I didn't have the money to buy it.
And anyway that jerk hasn't even apologised. Like I'm supposed to go up to him and say "I'm sorry you're being a jerk"??? =/
Screw it, I've been too nice to him, he should wake up and realize it =/
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Sunday, 13 Aug 2006, 12:43:45 am EDT
[private]
I wish Duane wouldn't stick his nose where it doesn't belong.
Leave her alone. She's dead.
If he finds out he'll..
Oh, what can he do about it? Punch me? Ha, I'd like to see that.
...
I don't want him to find out.
Mood: worried
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Saturday, 12 Aug 2006, 9:50:00 am EDT
[friends only] UGH!
I'm getting so clumsy today =/
I was washing a cup and it slipped and broke and I made a grab for it and succeeded in stabbing my thumb with one of the shards.
OW. >_<
I can't stand it!
Pauline came over today and we replayed Final Fantasy 8. That is I played and she watched. She likes the storyline and she keeps count of the HP for me.
But then she had to go before Mom came back.
=/ I need new friends. Some who aren't afraid of Mom.
Mood: =/
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Duane's Journal
Thursday, 10 Aug 2006, 6:29:14 pm EDT
This is crazy...
I haven't had a good night's sleep since...
...
Well. It feels weird not talking to Sarah in school. Her friends give me hard looks or don't even look at me at all. I can't help but feel like the bad guy. Just what am I missing here!?
I've been finding out so much about Sister Mabel. She was really a woman I never knew, a human being with very human hopes and dreams. I would like to say it all here, but I don't know if it's a good idea at the moment.
What I can say, though, is that every time I ask about her death, people shut up. I really don't understand that part. I mean, I know she died of cancer. Why get so tight-lipped about it?
Mood: uncomfortable
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Duane's Journal
Tuesday, 8 Aug 2006, 10:31:24 pm EDT
[private] It's always my fault, right?
Shit... what the hell just happened??
Here I was minding my own business, and suddenly she flips out. Out of the blue she went ballistic on me! What did I miss here? Sure, I've been preoccupied. Sure, I've been growing more short-tempered. But I just couldn't tell her why yet! What can I tell her? Oh, Sarah, I've been back to the orphanage. Yeah, I took the old man on the bus so seriously I went back to inquire about Sister Mabel's past. I realized that all these years I never really knew her as a person. I knew her as my mother and that was all. And I found out that I wasn't the only one she shielded. She lied about almost every kid she looked after. She took away all our faults and made us perfect. She took the burden of our sins upon her. Don't you think that would bug me?
And I couldn't tell Sarah, because she'd brush me off. Firstly, that I took Father Abraham seriously. Secondly, that I'm taking Sister Mabel seriously. I can't tell her anything! She just barrells ahead and mows down any obstacle in her way. I liked that about her. I liked that she could see the bright side of everything. I liked that she never let anything get her down. And I'm grateful that she chose to stick by me...
But now, that same hard-headed optimism is really ticking me off. Some things really are sacred. Maybe it was my religious upbringing that made me more sensitive to these things. Maybe it was Sister Mabel's influence. But you just can't treat all of life as a minor thing.
And I don't know what the fuck happened but she's suddenly on Andrew's side. Andrew, the guy who more than once caught me alone in the boys' shower and left me crying and bleeding and choking in the water. It didn't help that the boys' shower didn't have a secure lock. Everyone knew you could unlock it by sticking a coin in it. The guy was a fucking monster. Yes, he's polite and civil and talks like a sane person now. And I'm more than happy to leave the past behind and start over new, but at the same time I can't help but feel betrayed. She hardly knows him!
...
... It's ironic that now she doesn't want me to talk to her, I have no choice but to write here. I can't stand it, I need to say it, even if it's to an unfeeling unresponsive unthinking machine. Actually, I think it's better this way. No one to pass judgement on me... because I'm my own judge.
Oh, God.
Anyway, I'm gonna see if I can find out more about Sister Mabel. I owe it to her to get to know her better now, even if I never did that when she was alive.
Mood: cold
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Tuesday, 8 Aug 2006, 8:41:24 pm EDT
[locked for sarahownzduane]
Duane's gone off his rocker completely. He told me to fuck off (I've never heard the word from him before) and told Sarah (his friend) the same thing, only put nicer. I don't recognize him. He was the weakling of the orphanage. If he tells you I'm the only one who abused him he's lying, because anyone could get his lunch away from him if he wanted. Kimberly and I just had more fun with it than the others.
I kinda feel sorry for the poor bastard.. Sarah's nasty when crossed.
Oh, I forgot to say that I got another one of those crumpled papers, but this one was soaked in ketchup and made a real mess on my porch. Ketchup reminds me of Unca Thomas, he always poured a bottle of the stuff on his pizza, to personalize it, like the Heinz guy said. I wonder what the old coot is up to these days.
Mood: shocked
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Tuesday, 8 Aug 2006, 7:53:26 pm EDT
=/
I'm pissed at Duane. =/
He's been acting funny recently. He hasn't been talking much to me in school, although he hasn't been avoiding me either. He's just been mumbling stuff when I ask him what's wrong. He's like distracted or something. And he even snapped at me when I tried to make him lighten up. He's grown all bad-tempered and stuff. He was never like this, not even during that thing with his father.
And I'm pissed, because I don't think I did anything to deserve this kind of treatment! It's like what the hell? If you're mad at me you could at least SAY something about it to me. If not then don't take your problems out on me!
And he hasn't been posting on LJ either. So I have NO idea what's wrong with him.
I've looked through both our LJ entries, and even akadler's to see if he did anything to Duane. But there's nothing! Duane's last entry was about meeting that priest of his. Which I don't think is such a big deal, but you know him... he absolutely has to take EVERYTHING so seriously. It's just a freakin old man on a bus, come on!
And you know, that's something else that I don't like. He's like, always lost in his own world and his own tragedies. Life begins and ends with Duane Lowell and his tortured past, you know? I mean grow up. We all have our own personal tragedies. You want me to have a deep dark secret too? Well here it is: I'M AN UNWANTED KID! I was an accident! Nobody really wants me or loves me! Boo Hoo! =/ I mean, I know my parents love me, at least my dad does, but I know for a fact his life would be a lot easier without me. But does that make me moan and cry and snap at people who're just trying to help?
I'd lock this post but I don't think Duane would even read it. Or if he does, then I have a message for him: GROW UP. Stop it! Look at yourself - you're acting like a girl during PMS. Either SAY what's wrong or just stop throwing these tantrums. It's not helping anyone.
*fumes*
Mood: aggravated
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Sunday, 6 Aug 2006, 6:29:22 pm EDT
weirdness
HEY DUANE!!!
I saw someone today that looked exactly like akadler! My neighbor apparently ordered a new TV set and one of the guys bringing it looked exactly like the guy in his icon. And didn't he say he transports TVs for a living?
Hey Adler, if you read this tell me if that was you. I live on 87 Creek. My neighbor has a black cocker spaniel named Sooty. Can't miss it, it's a bundle of destructive energy!
What a coincidence! *grins maniacally*
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Wednesday, 2 Aug 2006, 7:19:22 pm EDT
[locked for sarahownzduane]
I had another dream last night about him-- Unca Thomas, he wanted me to call him.
I was back in the village, a little boy, and at first everything seemed all cheerful and I was riding double with Luke on his bicycle. And my hands were all over And then Unca came out of the house and saw us. He was carrying a huge sword in his hands, bigger than him, and he started chasing us down the street with it. I kept shouting at Luke to pedal faster, but the wheels gripped and Unca caught up with us and swung the sword, and then I was holding Luke's head in my hands and screaming.. but when I woke up I was making no sound.
Crappy nightmares. Unca never had a sword or even an axe. Just a whip.
Mood: displeased
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Duane's Journal
Sunday, 30 Jul 2006, 8:45:46 pm EDT
So this is what happened:
I had only one lecture today, since the Hegel lecture was cancelled. I decided to take the bus to the library downtown to just browse around. The university library is good but all it has is academic material, and I really want to get some good novels to read.
Anyway, on the bus, I met Father Abraham. I remember him as a big, silent man who only occasionally appeared where we kids could see him. I was totally in awe of him. If you had told me he was God's right-hand man, I think I would have believed you.
He didn't look quite as big now. He just looked old, much older, and very tired. I wondered if I should go and say something to him. In the end I decided that this could very well be the last time I ever saw him, so I went up and said hi. I don't think he remembered me, but his face is still as expressionless as ever, so I couldn't really tell. He just greeted me in his slow, heavy voice and asked me what I was doing now. I told him, and I said that I had just been back to the orphanage a month or so ago, to see Sister Mabel. He nodded and said that he officiated at her funeral. I didn't know that. I didn't attend her funeral... I wanted to remember her alive, and smiling. But I didn't explain this to Father Abraham. I don't think he would have understood...
Then he said something really strange. He said, "She was a woman with a lot of secrets. Everything she did, she did for you children, but I don't agree with a lot of the things she did. She spared the rod much too often. Well, I'm not surprised that the Lord called her home for it."
I didn't understand that last part at all. I wanted to ask him about it, but he was droning on about something else, and I couldn't find any subtle way to change the subject without seeming like I was interrogating him.
What did he mean? I know she had secrets, but I don't think it was anything punishable. Sister Mabel was a beautiful woman. If God let her die because of anything she did to protect us, then I don't think much of God's idea of justice.
Or did he mean something else?
Mood: uncomfortable
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Saturday, 29 Jul 2006, 10:18:37 pm EDT
[friends only] ...
>_< they're at it again.
they're screaming at each other and i'm afraid my dad will get hurt
but i'm not going outside to see
cuz i'm not getting mixed up again.
lock my door and hope everything will be fine.
it sucks to be an unwanted kid.
Mood: angry
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Duane's Journal
Saturday, 29 Jul 2006, 1:15:31 am EDT
I don't believe it!
I finally got that new album I've wanted for so long! Keane's Under the Iron Sea. I haven't really listened to it yet but I'm really excited. I really liked their first album which Sarah lent me. I might go buy myself a copy of that too.
Excuse me, I'm going to lie down and relax a bit now and listen to music!
Mood: happy
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Friday, 28 Jul 2006, 10:52:33 pm EDT
I found the website of a guy who seems to share my opinions, or at least my spirit: http://maddox.xmission.com/
The doctor has finally taken off my bandages and I can return to work. That sucks.
I'm LJ buddies with Duane Lowell. The boy is a masochist.
Something weird happened today. Someone knocked at my door three times, hard, and when I went to open there was nothing there but a crumpled piece of paper with nothing written on it. I kicked that away, and managed to hit that darned spotted cat with it too. It didn't even care. I need to talk to the neighbor about putting that animal on a leash.
Mood: okay
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Friday, 28 Jul 2006, 7:54:57 pm EDT
[private] *seethes*
I don't understand that Duane! He's so terrified of Andrew that he's WILLING to GIVE HIMSELF UP in the hopes that Andrew won't hurt him again. =/ No, actually, I DO understand Duane. I understand him more than he realises. I never even really explained to him how my mom hates me too. I can never confide in him cause I'll feel like I'm adding on to his burden. But I DO understand him. He's terrified and he's nice and timid out of a fear that people will hurt him. He's quiet in class and he always offers his views tentatively and the prof thinks he's being open-minded to people's views when he's just afraid of the backlash. I dunno if he was like this before he discovered the thing about Prof Maynard being his father, but he's like that now. I can guess that he's just afraid of being hurt again. Or that he doesn't ever want to become as heartless as his father and so he's going the completely opposite way.
Duane Lowell is turning into a coward, and I can't do anything about it!!!
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
That boy needs a good shaking. His head is so MESSED UP! UGH!
Mood: frustrated
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Friday, 28 Jul 2006, 12:40:51 am EDT
[private]
He shouldn't have added me. He asks for it. He's still baring his neck and offering it to me, like always. What can I do?
I really didn't like getting reminded of the orphanage. I'm not exactly proud of what I did.
Hope he never finds out..
Mood: unsettled
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Duane's Journal
Thursday, 27 Jul 2006, 11:26:11 pm EDT
[friends only] shit
What the fuck! Speak of the devil. akadler... how the hell did he find me?
Maybe... maybe he's changed. Maybe he's not like what I remember.
Although judging from his journal, I guess I'm hoping against hope. God please let him be different now. I don't know if I can stand this on top of everything else at this point of time.
Mood: panicked
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Duane's Journal
Thursday, 27 Jul 2006, 2:13:00 am EDT
Whew, that was an intense session on Socrates. I'm not sure I like that guy's thinking. He's so single minded. But I seem to be in the minority - most of the class argued that Socrates was ahead of his time. But it was an interesting discussion anyway.
Which reminds me that I need to ask Benjy for his outline, or else we'll never finish that paper on time.
I hear that I'm certified loony where some of the people at MU are concerned, because of that time I spent in the hospital. The official word is that I was burned out by the stress of adjusting to the new school... But people aren't really that stupid, at least not around here. So today I heard someone talk about "that crazy guy", and I sneaked a look and they were bobbing their heads at me, the way you do when you're indicating someone without really pointing. So here I am with the possible labels of "crazy" and "murderer" hanging over my head. Kind of like Prof Maynard all those years back... Karma does strange things.
It's true that not all the people here believe that stuff, though. Most people treat me normally. There's just that certain brand of gossip-mongers who like to pretend they know everything. So if you're getting the idea that I'm some kind of weirdo, I'm not. I really am just a regular Joe...
Mood: pensive
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Thursday, 27 Jul 2006, 12:40:39 am EDT
All right.. LJ.
There are very big pervs all over this place.
Did you know there are communities where all they do all day is pair the Harry Potter characters? I mean, sex is good and all, but most of this is gay sex!! Ugh. I found a story where they pair Snape with his broomstick. Now that's screwed up. I read all the books, but it didn't look to me like Snape is even remotely attracted to his broom.
Then there are the "vidding" communities, where they cut clips from normal movies and combine them with gay sex (again) and then put them on YouTube. These people need a hobby. Wait, that's their hobby. They need a job.
And most of the users on LJ are weird teens who cut themselves, dye their hair and whine all day. Those need jobs too, I don't care how young they are. A little manual labor never hurt anyone. Except the dainty intellectual types, of course. All the more reason for it.
Oh, that reminds me. Guess whom I found while browsing!
..
duanelowell!
As inarticulate as the day I punched his nose for that silly birthday card. Kimberly and I got a hundred rosaries for that, but it was worth it.
Now this should be fun.
Mood: excited
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Wednesday, 26 Jul 2006, 6:50:56 pm EDT
We're going to a PARTY!!!
We're going to a party now! Just me, Duane and 50 other guests. We're going to Edna's place. But Pauline won't be there because she's sick. =( Or she SAYS she's sick. I think she's BSing me. She's just depressed over her work. I'm not gonna force her to come but honestly she needs to stop being so down and get into life. =/
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Wednesday, 26 Jul 2006, 12:54:06 pm EDT
I have to say I am completely shocked about some things I found on LJ. Until I regain consco my senses and tell you about it, here is a photo of me by some girl's pool, taken just as I was about to tackle her into the water. Good thing she dropped the camera before. So now I have a default icon too.
My wet hair should get me some more popularity around here, where women seem to like girly men.. argh what if they "slash" me with some guy??
Mood: sore
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Duane's Journal
Wednesday, 26 Jul 2006, 8:20:16 am EDT
[friends only] Distant memories
They say time heals all wounds. I sure hope that's true... I've been needing a bit of healing lately. I know my schoolwork's been suffering - I just got fresh proof of it today. As if I needed any...
I found a card that I made when I was six. I wanted to give it to Sister Mabel for my birthday. Go figure... But I never did, because she was sick on my birhday and the sisters said it was contagious and we weren't supposed to go in her room.
It brought back some long-buried memories. I remember that day when I was waiting to give the card to Sister Mabel. Kimberly was laughing at me for getting it wrong - that I was supposed to get cards for my birthday, not the other way round. But then Kimberly always laughed at things she didn't understand. I didn't really care. Then Andrew came along and things got really nasty. Andrew's bad enough by himself but when he got with Kimberly, all of us younger ones knew it was a good idea to run and hide.
I didn't have anywhere to run. I still remember the utter panic I felt. I could even feel the blood drain from my face. Kimberly told Andrew what I was doing. Andrew just stood and listened and stared at me with that superior sneer on his face. I was just a deer caught in the headlights, a rabbit fixed by the stare of the snake. I almost wished for him to just get it over and done with. Anything was better than just standing there.
And when Kimberly was finished, Andrew just continued to stand there and stare. I think he knew how the anticipation terrified me more than the actual beating. He leaned over and smiled at me. Even though he was only one year older than me, he was a head taller than me.
The next thing I knew, Kimberly had grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me around where Andrew could get a good shot at me.
I had never felt so helpless in my life. I knew that in the orphanage, nobody ever shouted for help, no matter how badly we were beaten. The sisters didn't stand for fighting in the orphanage and both parties were always severely punished. All of us had an unspoken rule that we would rather endure a beating than to shout for help. But I didn't. I broke down and screamed. Looking back, I think I know now why I was so weak. But at that time I didn't care. I shrieked like an animal. I must have lost my mind. When the sisters came to separate us I was still screaming. There was blood streaming from my nose where Andrew had hit me and I was choking on the blood when I sucked in my breath to scream. But the sisters saved me, and later Sister Julianna returned me the card, which I had dropped during the fight.
I didn't get punished for that fight. Later, I heard that it was because Sister Mabel told them not to punish me. I don't know what happened to Andrew and Kimberly, but I didn't see them for the next two days, and when I did see them again they refused to look at me. Not that I cared.
I'm looking at that card now. The words "Happy Birthday" are scrawled on the front in blue crayon. It's yellow with age and the tiny bloodstain in the middle is barely more than a brown speck. But it's amazing the kind of memories it brings back. I understand it all a lot better now. But I can't deny that it still hurts.
... How much time does it take before such wounds heal?
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Wednesday, 26 Jul 2006, 7:40:38 am EDT
WHEE
I got my stupid Rosenthal paper back! Finally! I got a B+. Not bad for a paper that I wrote in 1 night~
Duane got a C~~ and he spent a week on the thing! He's like so dead now. *pets him* Don't take it so hard~ go eat a cheesecake and smile :)
I dunno. I know my life sucks but seriously, I love it anyway. I think I have it pretty good. I was just sitting in class today watching Dr Williamson drone on when it came to me. It's going around school that she's going through a divorce. I dunno. My parents go at it pretty often and it gets on my nerves so much. But they'll never get divorced. I guess I'm selfish because I know my dad would like a divorce so, so much, but I need him and I know it wouldn't be the same if they got divorced. So my dad just puts up with all that hell every day. Anyway I have to put up with it too, so it's not like he's alone in the whole thing. At least we have each other.
So yeah... all things considered my life really is pretty good.
AND I can get a B+ without studying.
I rule! I really do!
Mood: accomplished
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Wednesday, 26 Jul 2006, 1:19:20 am EDT
Today I was trying to move one of those plasma TVs taller than me from its stand to the carrier, and then the family's goshdarned kid tripped me and I couldn't let that TV break so I had to cushion its fall. And I think I lost about four ribs. The doctor said I'm fine, but I'm sure it's just cause they don't want to pay me insurance.
So the goshdarned kid went home with his TV to play his Final Fantasy crap (I'm sure now he can see all the moles on Cloud's face), and I'm stuck in bed covered with a thick white bandage that makes me look like Tutankha Touthan that dead pharaoh.
So I think I'm gonna browse LJ for a while.
Mood: pissed off
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Tuesday, 25 Jul 2006, 6:50:00 pm EDT
[private] ...
I had a dream last night...
It was a weird dream...
I dreamed of my cousin, the one who died when I was small.
He didn't look like what I remember... for one thing he was blond but in my dream he had black hair. And we were behaving not like cousins...
I don't really know what it means but it's a weird dream.
*shakes self* don't watch stupid movies before bedtime.
Mood: anxious
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Tuesday, 25 Jul 2006, 2:31:32 pm EDT
Barely been here a few days and I already meet two people. This is getting worth the effort of making this journal. Got something out of that chick dumping me, at least.
I haven't thought of that wanker Lowell in a long time. Seems he's getting around, posing for pics with that scrawny body of his. He's gone off to uni and I'm working my ass off hauling boxes and getting one-dollar tips from people who buy TVs of a few thousand. I don't know what he has and I don't. Actually, I do. Dry hair with split-ends and all his ribs showing.
Let's hope I get to know ybing better. I should upload that picture of myself that Stacey took of me at her pool. All girls like my wet hair.
Mood: complacent
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longing is the umbilical cord of higher life
Monday, 24 Jul 2006, 9:03:48 pm EDT
TA-DAAAAH!
HYAAAAAH~
So here is my new journal with my BRAND SPANKIN NEW LAYOUT~ in honour of our new entry duanelowell! All you guys on my friendslist GO GIVE HIM SOME LOVIN'!
So what's been going on in my life? I'M TEACHING DUANE TO KNIT. I'm gonna make him knit himself a whole new winter wardrobe. He will save so much money!~
Pauline's been in a down recently, so hugz to her - you should get an LJ too Pauline, it lets you vent your frustrations and stuff, and your life becomes one huge drama series for the world to enjoy, isn't that fun? </irony>
anyway - DUANE! UPDATE YOUR JOURNAL ALREADY DAMMIT! I didn't spend one hour of my life creating a masterpiece of a journal layout just for you to leave your journal to ROT. =_=
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Andrew Kyle Adler
Sunday, 23 Jul 2006, 11:15:51 pm EDT
Where did sxybabey1246 go? Met her in a bar three nights ago and the next morning she told me to make a livejournal and add her. I thought, what the heck. And now it seems she deleted hers (and hasn't called me since). Oh well. I'll leave it here. I don't have to write in it.
Mood: bored
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